Joy in the Middle of Suffering
December 31st, 2021
Our oldest daughter, Taylor was getting married to a man who checked each one of my prayer boxes, Jermaine. Event planning had been active for over a year. The day was fast approaching. Covid was vamping up. Last minute wedding stress was rising. Our family had been in the middle of a trauma crisis since November. I had been spending an abundant amount of time in my prayer chair, as so much felt out of control. Scripture and prayer gave me peace in the moment. Even if the peace moved away as the day progressed and the burdens of the world moved in, the time spent with the Lord was carrying me.
When we packed up to go to Cincinnati for the wedding, I was concerned with how I could find that peace amid the chaos that was sure to come with the last minutes prep work. The cancelations due to covid, celebrating Christmas and the stress that our whole family was attempting to manage, including the bride, who mentioned several times that she just wanted to call the whole thing off, was consuming. In my spirit, I heard “look for the light”. Because every space was decorated in magical style, there were beautiful lights everywhere I looked on trees, in poinsettias, in the skyline. The light would be a powerful coping mechanism. When things felt out of control, I would look for a light. That light would remind me that I am not in control, but I am loved by the one who is. I can trust Him and His plan. So just take a breath and remember…it’s going to be great!
During Covid, my prayer tool kit took on new meaning. When I was feeling great anxiety, I would pull out some blessed Holy Water and sprinkle it in my house for protection. That holy water helped me release the worry and put my trust in my Abba Father. The house was not the only thing, wedding gifts, dogs, cats, people, and cars all have drip marks of the blessed water. Because my worry mind was gaining power, I decided that The Renaissance, the hotel in which the wedding reception was to be held, would need to be prayed over. Armed with the Holy water, I prayed all over that beautiful “home for the weekend”. The results were astonishing. Even the guests commented on how friendly the hotel workers were. Ray, the food and beverage manager commented that he had seen hundreds of receptions but felt ours was the most beautiful one he had witnessed. The DJ, the photographers, hair and makeup, meal, celebration all went perfectly! Not only were the guests celebrating wholeheartedly, we felt the servers and professionals were also participating in the joy of the circumstances.
As I reflect on the scene, I recognize that there was one place that did not have peace. Sadly, enough it occurred in the humanity of the church. The nave, the worship area, was beautifully decorated, a lovely nativity scene and bright red poinsettias gave notice to the season of love and joy that we were experiencing. While preparing for the rehearsal, I told my husband that I would go speak with the priest whose church we were using, to ask about where we could set up the unity candle. We had attended mass at the church earlier in the month and I was hoping to share with him how his homily spoke to me, as he used history to help explain the Gospel and I enjoyed learning about it. That compliment would never get delivered.
The unity candle had been a part of my husband and my Catholic wedding, 34 years ago, and our son’s Catholic wedding, 1 year ago. Because Jermaine’s family was Christian but not Catholic, it seemed like the unity candle would be an opportunity for us to include Jermaine’s mom, Jamie in the ceremony, while holding on to a family tradition. Symbolizing the union of Taylor and Jermaine but also representing the union of the families. God willing, one day we will share grandchildren.
Little did I know that the unity candle is a not permitted in the diocese in which the church sat. When I brought up the subject of the unity candle to the priest, I unknowingly ignited an extremely uncomfortable dialogue. The priest became upset. Agitation entered the interaction, and he became rude. I quickly recognized that I was not in a safe place anymore.
I had been here before… flashback 11 years ago, a trigger space, it was a local priest, one I had worked with, one who knew me. That priest caused a lot of pain and suffering for me and my family. For many years, I wondered what I could have done differently. After contemplating that scene many times, I concluded that the priest himself was broken and suffering because he had caused a lot of pain to a lot of people. I forgave him and still pray for him to this day. Here it was… happening again, confusion overcame me.
Fortunately, learning to notice that confusion and anger are indicators that the enemy may be present, has become a powerful identifier. My attempt to explain the reason for using the Unity candle, that it did have an intentional purpose, was a waste of energy. The priest was not listening. He did not care. He needed me to be aware of the rules. A statement he made would later give me evidence that at that time, he was not really working in a Christlike mindset. He told me that the unity candle is a not even Catholic (so?). His next statement was revealing. He said the reason other faiths use it is because their services are too short, and they needed extra stuff to fill in (what?!!!). I chuckle every time I think of his opinion. It is incredibly revealing. Us vs them. Division.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
During the scene as I felt frustration from this priest, I recognized there was something bigger happening. The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. The enemy lies in anger, division, confusion. Something was working to steal my joy. This battle was not mine. It belonged to the Lord.
As I prayed about it, I checked my intentions. I checked my delivery. I checked my demeanor. Since I had never had a conversation with this man before, I was having a challenging time seeing my responsibility in this space. (Confession- I am an overthinker, I own way more than I should… I go to self-blame first… an unhealthy thought space). So why did he treat me that way? Honestly, I will never know the true reason. The possibilities in my mind include... Did he not like the way I looked (As was the season, I was dressed in sparkle)? Did he not like the joy I was carrying in my smile? Was he not happy to open his church for another priest? Did I reminded him of someone he did not respect or did not respect him? Whatever the reason, I was confident that it had extraordinarily little to do with my identity and everything to do with something inside of him that had been triggered.
Falling asleep that night was challenging. Committed to hold on to joy yet wondering if the Unity candle would not be permitted, troubled me. I was reminded to trust. That night, Psalms about trust would be playing in my earbuds to help me settle my anxious thoughts to find the rest I desired and needed.
The next morning, I informed the wedding assistant, Olivia, of the conflict. No mention would be made to Fr Dan, the priest officiating the ceremony. When I arrived at the church, someone told me that the priest of the church was not allowing us to use the unity candle. A prompting made it clear, I was not to get involved, stay is the back of the church. Comfort was given to me that it would all work out. Holding on to my peace and not allowing the frustration that was rising, to grow any more, became my mission.
The next thing I knew, I was watching Olivia set up the unity candle on the alter. My heart was filled with joy!
As Jamie, Jermaine’s mom, and I lit our candles, I was reminded of what I had been told to focus on… the light. The Light of Truth. God did it! He honored our wishes to make Jermaine’s family feel a part of this Blessed Day! When a sacrament is celebrated, the water turns into wine, and the humanity turns into divine. God was in the details…giving us the joy we had been praying for.
While we were still taking the photos at the church, the unity candle was taken to the room beside the alter and locked up. We were unable to take it with us. In follow up conversations I learned that the priest had been rude to the groom and some of his attendants. We must pray for him. He is blinded to how he is allowing the enemy to use him. His power and authority are important to him, that was evident by his words and actions. Do you think he has any clue that he will be held accountable for those people he has hurt? The ones who may never even consider becoming Catholic because a priest’s demeanor and pride stood in the way?
My prayer and hope are that everyone at the wedding will increase in faith and love for the Lord, that broken hearts would be healed, and relationships would be repaired. Fr Dan presented a wedding ceremony that focused on Love, hope and faith, the language that Jesus used. The scripture and homily message were inviting to all who were opened to receive it. God won! His Love, Mercy, and grace filled the church and the reception. My heart is overwhelmed at the Love that hung in the air on that night and remains as we continue to remember that incredible special event.
