A Grief Observed

Mary stood at the foot of the cross…

The day that concept settled into my soul, a seed was planted that continues to grow and expand in depth and meaning.

Yesterday the growth was profound according to what I witnessed. A funeral is always hard. When it is for a child, a life ended too early, my heart feels like throwing up. The truth is too challenging to grasp.

When my friend, the mother of the young man, gone too soon, arose and walked up to the pulpit to deliver the eulogy I listened intently.

How can she do this? Where is her strength coming from?

As she calmly expressed appreciation for all who have helped during this tragic time, I was reminded that she had developed her speaking skills in her career.

That however did not explain her poise. As she described her emotions, she explained them as if she had named them but did not allow herself to feel them at this moment. For example she talked of the intense anger but her tone did not reflect anger. I suppose a numbness can overshadow when the pain hits deeper than the human body can handle. I too have experienced that kind of pain in a different kind of circumstance.

As she attempted to describe the indescribable and stated that she had no word that fit the pain, the word that popped into my head was….

Hell.

A place of no one wants to go.

A place where the pain is beyond severe

A place we don’t want to imagine

A place that is easier to ignore that accept

And what if that place is more of a season?

What is it isn’t a destination but something we must pass through to truly find our true Creator?

What if every single one of us must go through our own hell in order to understand the intense love that our Abba Father invites us into?

I’m not sure why it needs to be this way. I wish the pain didn’t need to be so gut wrenching. But Jesus doesn’t ask us to do anything that He didn’t do. He showed us purpose for the pain. He and His Mother walked the walk with extreme examples of trusting in God’s will.

So what if hell actually occurs while we are alive?

And what if the only way out is to give our Fiat, like Mary, to accept God’s plan?

Maybe we must stop resisting and release the fight, accepting God’s will when everything inside of us screams NO! Please God, not that!

Maybe when we submit, God then hold us and cries with us

and as we grow a little stronger, we can get out of bed

and gradually we can crawl through the day

and then we start walking wobbly until we can move outside that safe place

and eventually, after a long period of grief that cannot be placed into a box of understanding, we may even be able to run again.

But only with the assistance of the One who Created us for His purpose.

A rebirth in the deeper understanding of an unconditional love, like nothing on this earth.

An understanding of the relationship that is needed in order to discover why we were created. We are really nothing without Him… the One with the ability to go into Hell and bring us out.

And while we are dreaming, allow this aching Mamas heart to really have fun.

What if that Mama is only separated from her son in a physical sense, but in a spiritual sense they actually become closer in connection, the time together is no longer physical but constant, like he was back in her womb, protected from the evils of this world, no more pain, no more grief, no more suffering, only peace and comfort and unity…

I’ve heard some mothers feel guilty when they feel gratitude that their child is no longer suffering. Guilt doesn’t come from God…maybe the truth is that every healthy Mother wants their child to find Heaven but our earthly emotions would prefer them to stay with us in the physical. Understandable.

My friend, through her suffering, has gained an authority that no one wants to obtain. Her strength comes from the Lord. She made that clear with her incredibly authentic and brave message that I interpreted as a cry out…Lord you must help me in my unbelief for this pain is more than I can manage.

I believe God is whispering in her ear… come to me child… I will never leave you…

I think she can hear him… I imagine some days it will be easier to receive Gods voice than on other days. The enemy will try to get in with triggers, words of shame, blame, guilt, and self-doubt, and the chaos and division that is prevalent in our world.

If she can keep her eyes on the Lord (and I have no doubt that she will, imperfectly yet rooted), she will conquer the sting of death. There will always be a void when you lose someone so dear but the intensity of the pain will lighten, perspective will shift, the reality of what is truly important will increase and the love in the heart will expand, making the void easier to live with for the sake of those who we love and remain with us on this journey we call life.

God will give her strength and love that she never knew possible, the reward of throwing your trust in God in order to be pulled up from the depths of hell, with a greater understanding of why we all must suffer.

Mary, nurture their wounds

Holy Spirit, lighten their load

Jesus, strengthen them

Abba Father love them back to life!

And may your perpetual light hold Vinny until they meet again!