Joey Matters

In April, Don, Genova and I were downtown for the state basketball finals. Genova’s alma mater, Cathedral was playing for the championship and our family loves basketball. We intentionally scheduled time to grab some food before the game. Downtown Indy has some great restaurants, so we strive to take advantage of enjoying them when the opportunity presents itself. While finding a parking place Genova mentioned her friend Joey worked at Nada, a Mexican fare, which was close. Hearing good things and eating at a place we hadn’t been, sounded perfect.

Gen texted Joey and he worked to get us a table. Unlike this younger tech savvy generation, we aren’t in a routine of getting reservations. Luckily, we had an insider to help us because there was a waiting list. When we arrived, Joey greeted us with glee, and we were quickly seated.  His body language revealed he was glad to see us. He had a sparkle in his eye and a dance in his step. Stopping by our table any chance he could, his smile revealed a joy. When he looked at Genova it was evident that he cared for her. They were in the friend zone, but a personal connection was evident, and we gladly accepted some delicious, complimentary Churros!

Of course, as the night went on, I got nosey and needed to inquire… so Joey seems like a great guy…would you date him?

Her response was typical… no mom, these things are complicated. We are best friends, tell each other everything, it can’t be more than that. In my mind, it felt like she was saying…He’s got his stuff (Pain) and I’ve got mine (Pain).

And yet, the way he looked at her was different. I had the sense that he saw more than her outside. It felt like he really was fond of her personality, and her humor. He knew a lot about the suffering she had experienced (this is very difficult for some to relate to) and still they found pleasure in each other’s company. I found comfort in seeing Gen have a friend like this. We all need friends like that!

Joey and Genova continued communicating daily. They hung out when they could. Don and I asked frequently how he was doing. He had found a place in our hearts. He was invited to join the 5k training program, that Genova and her coach dad were organizing.

Then darkness started creeping in.

Communication stopped between Joey and Gen. He didn’t come to any practices. He didn’t show up for work at Nada. A Wellness check was called in. Joey was found in his apartment. He was no longer alive. The darkness had consumed him. His hell on earth took his life. His light had gone out.

But that is not the end…Our God conquers death! Love wins! Joey is a child of God.

A song by Casting Crowns called Scars in Heaven has been playing on my playlist since I heard it in the church parking lot following the funeral for Austin, a friend and teammate of my son, Matt, who was killed in a car accident. In the comment section of the song, BLAZEgamer4520 Gamer wrote “Grief, I’ve learned is really just love. Its all the love you want to give but cannot. All of the unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

The amount of grief that has impacted my family is gut-wrenching. To even count it, overwhelms my emotions. Heart attacks, car accidents, cancer, suicide, and loss of life due to addiction, have become part of our landscape. The pain wants to suck me under, to put up walls so to not feel that pain anymore, to just stay home.

God tells a different story. We are to love. We are made for community. It’s the only thing that makes life worth living. Everything else just doesn’t matter. So how do we move on when the ones we love leave such a huge heart wound, when the pain consumes every waking thought, when you don’t want to get out of bed because that loved one is gone, when the tears get dammed up with no place to ease the pressure?

We continue to love. Loving through the tears of heaviness, hugging, and holding the ones who know, clinging to the flood of priceless memories. The pain won’t go away quickly. Grief is a process that leads us on the path of healing. It will take time. Kindness during this time is like a drink of cold water on a hot day in July. Accept kindness from others but also show kindness to ourself. Eventually we will be able to take the love that is meant for them (the unspent love) and shift a bit. We can love them from earth as they sit in heaven, full knowing that we will meet them again. No doubt we will miss their physical presence, yet we can hold on to them spiritually because they are a part of our story and therefore will always sit in our hearts.

The next time we get to be with them all tears will be wiped away, all pain will disappear, and God will return the world to the original plan, and it is beyond anything our minds can even grasp. Hope can give us strength to get out of bed, permission to let the tears fall, and the ability to allow others to help us until we become stronger. As our tears ease the pressure, as the pain becomes less paralyzing, as laughter reenters our conversations, we can look to do more.

Until we meet again, how can we honor them and love them? That will be something each of us will need to decide. God’s wastes nothing. He uses all suffering and turns it into purpose. If we don’t grieve properly, we can get stuck. Joey’s mom passed away of cancer, several years ago. Did Joey get stuck in the grief? We will never really know the truth.

Genova finds comfort in knowing that they are together again. There is also comfort in recognizing that his painful internal conflict is over.

Not sure what the future holds but it seems to me that if Joey only knew how much he Mattered, we might not be grieving his departure from earth at this time. Maybe this season of pain that he was in, could have been lifted and a future of healing, laughter and love would have opened for him. We can’t change what has happened, but we can learn from Joey’s life stopped short, by raising our awareness and keeping our eyes open.

Joey, you Mattered! The light inside of you grew dim according to the pain you were attempting to carry on your own. You were never meant to carry all of that. God wanted to help you, but you couldn’t see through the darkness. We saw your light and it was beautiful! If only you could have seen it.

Rest is peace, my young friend!

Let us use Joey’s name to make sure that the people we love and the ones we encounter, know that they Matter too! God needs us to bring light into the darkness. Let’s make this intentional!