Thank you, Jewel
Inward vs Outward
The culture in which we live has delivered a lie that more people believe than don’t. The pandemic exposed the lie and now we have our next ginormous epidemic to attempt to manage. The lie-Live Inward… We are to be independent, solve our own problems, keep our emotions hidden and live a life in which we are not in need of others. The isolation during Covid 19 exposed that false narrative and hopefully, in response, we as a human race recognize that living in community with people who need each other is the more fulfilling way to do life. Can we as a culture move into a mindset of Living Outward?
What does Living Outward look like? Many incredibly talented people have discovered how to Live Outward. In her book Never Broken, Songs are only half the Story, lived and written by Jewel, she gives witness to a soul who Lives Outward well. When trauma impacted her being she did not move inward, she took her pain, expressed it in words and actions and gave the world a gift we don’t really deserve. Her pain has been transformed into a beautiful creative expression. Her powerful music, her courageous acting and now her relational writing has a ripple effect on others, who suffer. The impact cannot be measured. Her sacrifice is used for our entertainment, our pleasure, and our healing. I feel selfish for using her pain for my benefit. And yet she was the brave, resilient woman who gave permission for her story to serve others. If I express my gratitude, maybe it will help her in her healing, to know that nothing is wasted. Everything is used for the good of those who believe.
Jewel’s parents were very broken people, and their unhealed wounds impacted the way she was raised. She loves them despite their weaknesses. Possibly, the reason for her book was to process the great heart wound her mother cast upon her in her adult career. Jewel is strong, intelligent, street smart, impressively successful, and brave. The yearning an abandoned child has, to receive love and acceptance from a parent, is overpowering and consuming. Due to this desire, if it is unmet, anyone can be blinded in the process of building any relationship. Jewel did not receive the love that every child should have from her parents. Honestly, we are human, there is no such thing as the perfect parent. To an extreme, Jewel’s parents made decisions that created large gaping wounds that some children barely survive, let alone thrive in. When her mother reentered her life as an adult, this void from childhood, gave way for Jewel to be blinded. Jewel, although very instinctual, did not see truth when it came to her mother. This response is understandable, but Jewel carries shame because she felt she should have known better. What does Jewel do? She writes a personal, authentic, revealing story to help anyone who can relate. Living Outward!
The brutal upbringing that she endured is something I cannot comprehend. It must remain something I listen to and respect, seeking understanding in the transparency. I can, however, relate to the feeling of shame in the “I should have known better” thinking.
For many years, I have found transformative fulfillment in walking alongside homeless youth. On Friday mornings you could find me hanging out at Outreach, Inc, a wonderful place that empowers young people to find their purpose and move in it, to find a better life than the one on the streets. Several years ago, a new friend, who I will call Sammy, was animated in expressing the reason he was on crutches. A bullet was shot from an apartment below his and it lodged itself in his leg. He was ready to return home to his family for help. This seemed like a great idea. Maybe whatever caused him to be homeless would disappear.
Three years later, I am at Outreach and engage in a conversation with someone who is therapeutically painting, a new activity area created to help creative minds cope. I feel drawn toward this Covid masked person. When I ask him what he is painting he responds what do you think it is? Oh man! This will take some thinking. The background is a sheet of darkness, on one edge is a bright yellow half ball. My guess… the sun. He responds…but why is there a black background? I then realize this is not your typical homeless kid. He is wanting to engage at a deeper level. There is something inside him that is yearning to be seen. I respond… the solar system? He smiled. Me…Why the solar system? Him…I want to be an aeronautical engineer and work at NASA…. Record screech! What? Many questions later, including asking his name, I realize this is Sammy! His world had increased in suffering. My thoughts went to what do we do right now to make his life better, just a little? In discussing, Sammy felt I could help him make some phone calls. No problem. Calls are easy. Right? The fact that we were calling a professor from John Hopkins, who worked for NASA and a Nobel Prize winner for his research on the Big Bang theory gave warning that I most probably did not know or understand their language. What did I have to lose… they don’t know me. Phone calls made… discussions had.
Visits with Sammy along with texts and phone calls came on occasion. He asked me to keep his circumstances away from the people at Outreach. I honored this request, yearning to build trust. As I learned through Outreach we cannot fix their world, we can only love them and look for opportunities to help. That was my motto, and I was sticking to it!
Well for the most part… I did ask a friend of mine if she would consider adopting an adult homeless kid from Haiti who wanted to pursue his career at Purdue. I also asked around to see if anyone knew anyone that could help get him into Purdue. Many of my friends added him to their prayer list.
One night he called… this was unusual but had great news to share. He got accepted into Purdue! Through his excitement he shared he was accepted as a transfer senior. The credits from a prestigious college in Florida were accepted. First semester will be online, second semester on campus.
Now how does he get ready for reentry? First, he will need a Purdue shirt. Check. Next, how does an unsteady homeless kid return to the academia world after so many years away from the classroom? He assured me that he had been studying YouTube videos. He was so excited to show me some equations that he knew. His language had switched to one that came from outer space. He knew professor’s names and couldn’t wait to return to that interactive brain space.
A new trauma for Sammy was set in motion. Near his apartment, a friend from the past took her rage out upon him and suddenly stabbed him as he was walking outside a building. Fear has now become his new reality. The academic brain cannot function when the frontal lobe is calling the shots. Back to the basics needs of sustainability and safety, food and shelter. Food was not an issue, but security was. Sammy felt safe nowhere.
Paranoia set in. Any woman walking down the street was reason for alarm. One time he fled the city with a cousin who was only there to self-medicate and it left Sammy in a compromising position, an hour away from home with no idea how to get back. Counseling was arranged and he participated for a couple of months, but the fear overpowered him. He shot me a text saying he was going to Canada to live with an uncle. Now nothing…
Was I blinded? Was it all a hoax? Many homeless kids create stories to cope, just to keep their head above water. I learned a long time ago not to take those dishonest situations personally. I thought I knew better. With this one maybe I did let my guard down, maybe I did become too invested?
Or maybe not? What if this is all part of the plan? People helping each other imperfectly at best. Lending a hand when possible or asking for help when needed. Could there come a time when Jewel recognizes that this wasn’t her fault and that maybe she’s better for it even though it hurts? That’s what I’m working to believe. If I can hold on to that hope, I believe I can continue to Live Outward. If I hold on to unforgiveness and put-up walls of protections to guard my injured heart, I believe I am Living Inward.
Jewel, you are an inspiration! Please keep Living Outward! The world is in desperate need of watching your ability to live life within the suffering. Rest if you must but never turn off your creativity. You’ve already made this world a better place with your footprint. Whether you share it with others or only those you love is up to you… Just Be….