The Power of the Pout Dance
During a time where many people are suffering from fear, anxiety and depression, the word, trigger, often arises in conversations. Recently a brief YouTube video concerning triggers, from Dr Gabor Mates blew open my thinking mind. I will paraphrase my interpretation but highly recommend seeking the video. He explains that the word trigger is a metaphor from weaponry. Another person, who we may interpret as an enemy, pulls the small part of the gun to cause the injury. To recognize and name who and what caused the injury is important but not quite enough. Dr Gabor then moves it deeper by endorsing that if you want to know yourself even better pay attention to the ammunition. The ammunition powered by what sits in our own mechanism. If there is not ammunition in the weapon it will not cause injury.
Mind Blowing! Empowering! Freeing!
Generous friends are invaluable. Generosity doesn’t necessarily need to be about financial resources and yet at times it is. Recently we were vacationing with some very generous friends. On a picnic outing we were grabbing sandwiches from a gas station (it did have a reputation of the best sandwiches in the area). While the picnic was being ordered, I decided that this would be the perfect time to buy a gift for our hosts. The home in which we were staying had some “dark spots”. I thought it would be a fun little gift to buy some of those 3$ night lights to place in areas that could use some extra light. As I grabbed this inexpensive purchase I was purposely trying to sneak it through the check out when the person purchasing the sandwiches snuck up behind and paid for my clever gift of gratitude.
For a moment I was incredibly frustrated. My mind had been triggered. I thought about yelling at him but quickly realized how stupid that would be. He had no idea my plan. He was just being kind. On the way out to the car I did a little pout dance, that I learned from my nephew, and it made me smile. The incident was turned into humor in my own private mind with no one to witness. When I applied Dr Gabor’s ammunition concept, I was able to hold back my triggered emotions and not assault this innocent friend. If I had taken his actions personally, the picnic would have looked a whole lot different. My mind would have been stuck in my disappointment and I would have missed the beautiful landscape in Rocky National Park where the scenery is stellar and the elk rutting is fascinating and quality time can’t be beat, oh yeah and those sandwiches tasted delicious too!
Now my reflective thinking has settled into the subject of the ammunition and the expanding learning opportunities. When a person is making me feel less than, not smart enough, not calm enough, not wealthy enough, not worthy… is that really their intent? Are they purposely against me? Are they trying to show me up? Do they need to put me down to make themselves feel better? After all, hurting people do hurt people? I suppose any of the above could be true. Yet this new discovery is giving me permission to not assume ill intent. This is a game changer! I can become unoffendable one step at a time.
Could the person who has pulled the trigger simply been sharing their gifts? When an educated person shares what they have learned, is it my insecurities that makes me feel stupid? When someone points out that I have food on my face and this irritates me, is it my addiction to perfectionism that triggers me? When I feel like I dropped the ball, discovering I missed an opportunity to help someone, it is my addiction to people pleasing that gets in the way? When a loved one suffers, and I am unable to fix it, do my unhealthy coping mechanisms arise because of the undeserved pain that pulled the trigger?
Our egos really get in the way of the truth. Whether we own too much responsibility or too little can lead to unhealthy responses. There may be times when the person pulling the trigger is sincerely working to cause pain. In those situations, boundaries need to arise. To stay blinded only leads to enabling, codependency, more pain and suffering. We must discern and conclude when the one holding the weapon is working out of their own consuming pain. If they are not, if they are generous, and seemingly innocent, let’s do what Jesus came to demonstrate and give grace and mercy.
Its ok to do the pout dance either privately or in public. Whatever helps your mind move into the understanding that most people are just doing the best they can. Our gift to others is to receive their gifts as their heart’s intend and not as our damaged hearts perceive. Paying attention to our personal ammunition helps us to recognize the lies that tell us we aren’t enough. The Truth is we all are children of the highest King. Our Father, who cannot lie, unlike any human father, says we are perfectly and wonderfully made, even in our brokenness. Replace the lies in our minds with the truth of the Gospel, the best news ever!
Defining our ammunition is not a comfortable process but the outcome is well worth, seeking the courage. The next time you get triggered, spend some time discerning the whole context of the scene. What was your emotional state before the experience? Could you be overly sensitive due to extenuating circumstances? The person pulling the trigger, are they, friend, or foe? If your answer is friend, then consider where you need to give yourself grace and understanding. Some self-kindness, selfcare is the best way to proceed. Start with giving yourself mercy! If you say foe, boundaries are needed and pray for their healing. What they are saying to you is the same voice they are using on themselves.
Building relationships makes life worth living!