IDKY (I don’t know yet)

Recently while consoling a niece who had lost her baby while it was in the womb, I reminded her that she is and always will be a mother. Her pain sits deep and that reminder may help her be seen in her suffering.

As a mother of four adult children I was super surprised last week, when these words came out of my own mouth, “I am so tired of being a mom”.

Being a mom is unbelievably rewarding and yet with that love and beauty comes indescribable sacrifice. Sacrifice often includes pain and suffering.

When I was younger a childhood friend of mine told me that her mom had gone on strike! My curiosity needed a description of what that actually looked like. Her mom stopped doing the household chores that her ungrateful children were taking for granted. At the time I thought well that’s just crazy. As an adult I find it brilliant! I often threatened that approach when our children lived in the house but never quite followed through. Oh, the regrets!

Now our children are all old enough to have children of their own.
And quite frankly I am tired of being a mother!
I’m tired of having to hold people responsible.
I’m tired of patiently attempting to help them become good citizens.
I’m tired of carefully choosing my words.
I’m tired of saying to myself… they didn’t really mean it that way or you always hurt the ones you love.
I’m tired of the worry.
I’m tired of being tired.

So what can I do?
I can’t make them responsible
I can’t make them see how much I have tried my best to do this incredibly challenge task of being a mother
I can’t make good on all of the times I failed to fulfill their needs.

Maybe I could now go on strike…
No…
I think it’s too late for that, not sure they would even notice.

Maybe I could stop being a mom?
No that is way too gut wrenching to consider.
But I must do something to help my exhausted self.

I think I want to release the responsibility of the adult they are becoming. Is that possible?
Can I not care when they are unkind?
Can I not care when they are being disrespectful?
Can I not care when they aren’t responsible?

And then this morning Bishop Barron preaches that people who trouble us are used for our own sanctification! Oh no! let’s just put some good ole Catholic guilt into this mess!
So now all of this is for my own good! Oh brother! I should just keep loving and thank them for helping me become a better person? If you had children, Father, you might understand my pushback on this!

So, if you are still reading this rant, I thank you for allowing me to process the rumble in my overthinking, overprocessing, worn out mind.
My conclusion…
“I don’t know yet!”

But I do know the One who does.

Stay Blessed ya’all!