Change is Hard
Throughout life it is a guarantee that we will need to leave things behind that we do not want to. Grief appears in many spaces. Obviously when people die it creates a huge wound of pain. Death is not the only place of grief. We feel loss when we move from a childhood home, when a best friend moves for a new opportunity, when we lose the use of a leg due to an injury. Every athlete will feel a sadness the last time they put on their uniform. Every parent feels sadness when their child leaves for college. When a tornado destroys a town, the community grieves that the neighborhood will never be the same.
Less tragic yet still painful is accepting when God’s plan for your life presents a season of change. We do not like change. We get comfortable in routine, in our knowing, in applying the skills we have learned and the gifts we have strengthened. Therefore, we can cling to vocations that have expired. We think we still have it when we do not. Our bodies and minds no longer contain the strength or flexibility needed to do what felt so easy and natural when we were younger.
When our daughter, Genova was 12, we were told that she would need surgery for her scoliosis, which was progressing quickly, as the curve in her back was nearing a point that would not allow a full correction. Up until the time of the surgery she was spending most of her time in the gym. The girl loved to tumble! The day before her surgery we went to a high school football field where she tumbled until she was exhausted. The morning of the surgery she tumbled down the hall to her hospital room. I was certain that in her process of recovery, we would be grieving her favorite pastime, both physically and relationally as her friends were also at that gym. Imagine my surprise when 4 months after her surgery her friend/coach from the gym sends a video of her doing a back tuck. What?! She returned to competition and won the state in the vault. Her surgeon has her featured on his website. At that time, she was his only patient that could tumble after a surgery so severe. We thought she was entering a season of change, but God had other plans. She is now 23 and can still tumble. I witness a miracle every time she does.
From a different angle, our son Adam, who played basketball in high school always yearned to dunk a basketball. At age 28, he made that desire a goal and with intentional training has accomplished something that may seem past his ability age. There are times when we are called to push through in order to achieve more. Adam knew that he could not do it alone, that some changes will require help from others in order reach success.
When is the time to move away from something that you enjoy and move on to new adventures. When is it time to retire (not just from a job)? When is it time to let go? How does one decide?
On an annual family trip to some cabins in the woods, my children revealed to me that it was time for me to retire from my desire to learn new dances. During my younger years, I loved to learn choreography. Not claiming to be a great dancer I did feel at home on the dance floor, using current dance moves and some improv as well. Music and dancing were my happy place. When I was parenting youngsters, it became a lifesaving coping mechanism. I would be on the verge of wanting to hurt one of them because they were making me crazy, and soon Michaeal Jackson would be blaring through the stereo. Imagine my disappointment when my teenage children were teaching me the wobble and one child commented, “Mom, you look a lot like Elaine Bennis.” For anyone who did not watch Seinfeld... I cannot think of an example of a worse dancer. You almost become concerned that she could be suffering a seizure because her moves feel very unnatural. I had no choice... I will never stop dancing but my desire to fit in with the cool crowd moves, has diminished and I now find the immense joy of watching others show off their dance style while I use simple moves to enjoy the rhythm.
March is a holiday month in our basketball obsessed family. When Mike Krzyzewski led the Duke Blue devils to the Final 4 this year, it was quite an accomplishment. Coach K was retiring at age 75 with 5 national titles under his belt. Many incredible, intelligent, coaches cannot stay in the game that long. The team this year did not begin as a powerhouse. At one time, fans wondered if they would even qualify for the Big Dance. Once again Coach K and his staff, found a formula to peak at the proper time. If you compare Coach K to another brilliant coach, Bobby Knight, you see 2 completely different, end of coaching, results. Coach Knight’s coaching career ended in an abrupt disappointing departure. Why? They both had very respectable formation and application. Could it be that Coach Knight did not embrace that his players needed a different relational coaching strategy? Did Coach K recognize that he needed a team of coaches who could help him understand the new generation of players and their emotional needs while maintaining the basketball intelligence needed to win the game? Did Bobby stay too long? What would have happened had he listened to the people around him? Did it have to end the way it did for Coach Knight, or did he have opportunities to make different decisions, creating a different ending?
Now to the experience that set this dialogue in motion, a concert. As I mentioned I love music. I enjoy many different genres and have many favorite vocalists. At the last minute, a longtime, energetic, and adventuresome friend called inviting me to a concert of one of our favorite “high school memory” artists.
The last time I had seen this band, I remember that the lead singer may not have been at his peak performance, but the concert was still a blast. My friend Susie and I belting the lyrics at the top of our lungs without a care in the world. Knowing all the words and faking it when we did not, we felt like kids again. That is what is most important anyway right?...
This concert felt different, and it took some processing for me to put my finger on in. The next day another friend asked how the concert was. My response was...spending time with friends was great, people watching was fun...the post Covid energy was powerful... but I do not need to go to any more of their concerts.
The newspaper review confirmed what I did not want to admit. Weak Vocals was the review. Should the paper be that harsh?... I think so. Someone needs to tell him the truth... Is it time to move onto different adventures. Different does not mean bad. It is simply different. A person with such talent should not stop using it. They just need to adjust, adapt, find another way to use the talents that have been given. Listen to your assistant coaches who are real and honest, or your kids who are laughing at your dance moves, not just the band members who are telling you what you want to hear. Do not stop doing what you love to do just be open to the fact that a time will come to embrace a new season.
Note to lead singer:
John, if you want to do some personal backyard style concerts, I know of a place! Or could this be a time for you to strengthen your skills through setting goals, intentional training and taking risks, returning for the slam dunk or a state championship? The answer lies within, only you can know. No matter what you decide, remember a person is Loved no matter how they perform, whether it is stellar or subpar. We are important and valued because of who we are and not what we do. So, keep on singing and dancing, continue doing what brings you joy! Just be aware that when you become so frustrated that you feel the urge to throw a chair in anger across the stage during a concert, it may be a sign that you may have missed some clues. Discern honestly and make a pivot! It is never too late.